I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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