What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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