You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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