There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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