so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
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I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
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I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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