I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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