how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
