Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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