Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
