As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
