I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
