Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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