apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
