Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
