I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
she looked like the before picture.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
