I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
