she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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