If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
