if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
