there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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