Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
