True but thats because hes a fetus.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
