You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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