saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
