I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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