I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
