So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
