i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
