I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
