Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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