: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
That accounts for only three of the penises
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
