i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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