I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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