I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
