i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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