I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
