Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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