Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
