I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
