I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
