Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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