you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
