just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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