Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
