At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
