Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Shame - the story of my life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
