Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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