It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
