I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
two words...techno handjob
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
