if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
