I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
