you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
