you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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