I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
