so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
