I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
