If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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