dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
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Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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