I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
