I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
