Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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