I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
