i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
